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June, 2003

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HAVE FAITH IN GOD
BY MARILYN CONRAD

The day I heard that my husband had married another woman after our divorce, the Lord gave me the scripture in Chapter 3 of Daniel, through a friend. Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego had faith in God; however, they were not delivered from their circumstances. All three were thrown into a fiery furnace. We too may have to go through a divorce or experience other bad circumstances. This does not mean God is not answering our prayers. A fourth man (Jesus) was in the midst of the furnace with the three young Hebrews, and they came out not even smelling of smoke.

We all go through tests and tribulations; we are concerned about the end results and so is God. He is also focused on the process we go through because He wants us to be conformed to the image of His dear Son (Romans 8:29). We need to get our eyes off the miracle and onto our daily lives and what God desires to do in each of us personally.

God was concerned with how I reacted to my situation. He was aware of my pain, and forgiveness on my part enabled Him to minister healing to me. When I asked, “Father, how did I miss you?”, He whispered softly, “Daughter, you did not miss me. My Word prevails over this situation also.” In less than four months my husband’s new marriage was annulled.

Song of Solomon 2:15 says that the little foxes spoil the vines. We all have “little foxes,” areas in which we need to develop the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. (Galatians 5:22-23) This fruit, these characteristics, are within our recreated spirits and available for us to draw upon.

I am not referring to cleaning up our lives through discipline (although discipline is necessary), because the result can be self righteousness and legalism. We must allow the Holy Spirit to show us these areas and spend time in prayer so godly sorrow and repentance can occur. Then the results will be lasting, accompanied by a sweet and gentle spirit.

Some areas needing changing in our lives are evident. We may display a bad attitude or a critical spirit. We might not curse, abuse drugs or alcohol, or live an immoral lifestyle; however, we may be unable to control our tongue or keep a confidence.

Perhaps our motives for doing things are suspect. Some who have the gift of hospitality or a servant’s heart get their feelings hurt if they are not recognized and complimented. Sometimes we get upset with others when they do not help us with projects we take on.

Over the years I have observed that some who are generous givers use their money to control and manipulate others. Those who serve may use their compassion and concern to obligate those they are helping. Jesus wants our hearts and motives to be pure.

Yes, I still have faith in God! After my miracle comes I know that I have the responsibility to do something with that miracle. If we submit ourselves to the Lordship of Christ and allow the fruit of the Spirit to develop during the healing process, then God can trust us to be faithful and serve Him when our marriages are healed.

It is saddening when covenant keepers attend group meetings, write and call for help until they are reconciled with their mates, and then drop out of sight. We never hear from them again. All that they learned and experienced while standing for the restoration of their marriages would greatly help others; now that they are entering the promised land of marriage healing and renewal their support would encourage, comfort and bring hope to all who are just entering the wilderness of separation.

Our prayer is that those who are grateful to God for restoring their marriages will be willing to help and encourage others (2 Corinthians 1:4).

A NEW STANDARD
Testimony from Tom Boyer

“Why did I leave my wife?…
The problem was that I did not respond correctly to her faults
and never recognized my own.”

I deserted my wife, Patty, and my faith after six years of marriage. I write this after eight years of restoration. Our lives are being shaped in ways that seem miraculous. To be honest, it is a miracle! We now have a marriage born out of divine love; the kind of love that should have been realized before we married.

After the years I spent destroying lives and hurting people, especially my wife, I have made a complete turn around. I am being used by the Lord to help others avoid the same mistakes I made. Patty and I are marriage counselors at our church and outside it. I also counsel people with addictions. I never thought I would be in the restoration business. I always thought that life was about me.

A Root Problem

Why did I leave my wife? Inevitably, I am asked this question when giving my testimony. Did she drive you away? What made you return? The problem was with me, not her. My wife was not completely innocent; she did have her faults. The problem was that I did not respond correctly to her faults and never recognized my own.

One problem between men and women started in the Garden of Eden. Man rarely loves woman for herself. Instead, his love is often desire, born out of love for himself expressed in the use (sexual) of her. A woman's happiness grows out of real love (agape) rather than sexual desire, but she rarely finds it. Agape love is mimicked by a kind of love that feels good, smells good, and looks good, the "I'm in love" kind. That love will wither and the void it leaves becomes deeper and emptier. When a man uses a woman this way, she resents it. She gives in to his demands because that is where her power may be found.

Where We Fell

Woman inherits a wish to put man on a pedestal. She thinks that is love, but it is not. She makes a god out of him, but in her mind she is greater because she is the maker of the god. She reinforces her husband’s selfish pride when his desire fulfills her longing to be worshipped. Man inherits the guilt of his fall: wounded pride caused by woman. He returns over and over to the source of comfort that actually caused his fall, but in a wrong way. Why? Because the key element is anger, and anger begets hate; hate begets the separation from one's creator.

When he fell and realized what had happened, Adam was angry at Eve (Genesis 3:12). Anger became resentment which separated him from God. His conscience placed guilt on him for the contempt he felt for Eve. So a false love for woman was passed down to all men, a desire that uses woman and reinforces ego as man tries to escape guilt and shame (wounded pride). The woman suffers conflict because she knows she is being used, and her secret or blatant hate for man causes her to lose herself in his desire (through guilt). When this desire is seen for what it really is (betrayal and wickedness), then man and woman are driven to malice, violence, criticism, meanness and other manifestations. This was not God’s intent.

Adam saw that he was naked and in an instant lost his bright and shining nature and received instead a fallen and base nature, which is why sex plays a large role in the struggle between man and woman. This does not reflect individuals but mankind's fallen nature. This is how it happened for us; now let me tell you how we overcame.

The Pebble In My Heart

When I returned to my wife and our marriage, God spoke to me about my pride. I asked Him, "Father, I still don't feel right; something is missing. What is wrong with me, why don't I feel complete? I asked for a softer heart and you turned my heart from stone to flesh. I asked you to give me compassion for people and you did. I asked you to give me eyes to see people the way you do and you did, but I am still not satisfied. What is missing?"

God answered, "There is a pebble in your heart that still remains and you must give it up to me." I asked, "What is this pebble?"

He answered, "Pride." I thought I was rid of pride when I returned to God and repented. His answer began my journey to become a real man and a real believer. God told me the pebble in my heart of flesh is everything that I believed about myself that was false and not of God, every trauma I suffered and every lie I believed about myself from the time I was a child. He told me that the image I create for myself and the image I allow others to create is not the image He sees. Then He told me to die, die to self and He would replace the pebble with all that He is.

Wow! Friends, that is the beginning of restoration. I had spent my whole life reinventing myself in vain and now I am being what God has always intended me to be—I have discovered who I am in Christ. Slowly but surely, there is less of me and more of Him. The secret to success is forgiveness and turning from hate and anger, not only towards your spouse but also towards everyone.

Our marriage is successful since I've utilized all that God has revealed to me for our marriage. I no longer use my wife sexually and she does not look for love to manifest in wrong ways. I don't place demands or expectations on her. I am not dependent on her. I am not judgmental towards her. I remain patient, kind, compassionate and forgiving. I treat her with respect and listen to her counsel. I bring her to the Lord when she is feeling low. In other words I have become what a man and a husband is supposed to be. I'm not 100% yet, but it's my good pleasure and destiny to become a true friend and comfort to my wife no matter what.

A Redeemed Marriage

Because of the grace of God, the eight years my wife stood for me and our marriage has given her a man she can love and admire. When I fail, she is quick to forgive me and I am obliged to admit my failing.

If I had to point to the thing that has led to a successful marriage for us, I would have to say it is our willingness to forgive each other. We've learned not to be resentful but to forgive daily, showing love to each other. This discipline has moved us closer to God and His will for us.

This understanding of love is not something new, it is what Jesus taught and died for. Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lays down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). If we lay down our pride then we will discover how to love. Love is the greatest tool or weapon a husband and wife have at their disposal. With divine love a family can easily defeat the enemy; without love a family falls to every temptation of pride, as did the very first family. Be quick to forgive each other, and your marriage will have a true and fertile base to grow on. When you don't forgive, your marriage will suffer. Stop being selfish, controlling and willful. Rather, show patience towards your spouse and trust in God.

I believe there is no greater standard for mankind than the institution of covenant in marriage. In it lies God's purpose for the family and a foundation for prevention and restoration. God is always restoring and making all things new. If you are standing for your spouse then God will provide and strengthen you, but you must make the standard the priority above even the return of your spouse. 

Jesus told the Pharisees that divorce was never meant to be (Matthew 19:8). So be brave and know that you are doing the right thing by standing, but you must go to the next step; be obedient to God and endeavor to become a better person with or without your spouse. Make God your first love and He will add all things unto you. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you." Matt 6:32-33 NAS

NEW PRODUCT

GO TO PRODUCTS FOR ORDERING

Covenant Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage (2 tapes–Craig Hill)

Recorded in Sydney, Australia. Craig teaches foundational truths about covenant relationships, the covenant of marriage, and what the Bible says about marriage, divorce and remarriage.

USA $10   CAN–MEX $11   INTL $14

Divorce, Be Cast Into The Sea
In 2003!