November, 2003

STANDING ON THE WORD

COVENANT KEEPERS 18^TH ANNUAL
“FAMILIES ARE FOREVER” CONFERENCE
July 16-18, 2004    Tulsa, Oklahoma

We invite you to make plans to attend the conference next summer. There will be testimonies from couples with healed marriages, and your presence at the conference will encourage covenant keepers to continue to stand strong and believe for reconciliation and restoration. Watch for more detailed information in January in Covenant Comments, on the Covenant Keepers web site, and in the couples’ quarterly newsletter.

Dealing With Strife
By Destroying Offenses
by Dr. Ken  Savage

Wisdom pales and understanding fades in the light of strife. For fifteen years my marriage could be categorized as blessed and strife free. But then I allowed myself to become offended at my wife. The result was two years of strife, separation, and abandonment. The fifteen years of blessed communication were not even a memory in the heat of my offense. I had built a wall unknowingly that would almost claim the lives of both Lauren and me through suicide. What happened? Why was I so helpless to overcome the hurts of strife?

You will never grow spiritually beyond your offenses

Strife is defined as bitter contention based on selfish desires. It is linked with the lust of the flesh in Romans 13:13 and spiritual immaturity in 1 Cor 3:1-3, yet in many Christian families strife goes unchecked. Strife is the acting out of offense. Strife is the rock in your shoe that slows your spiritual progress. As long as strife is allowed to operate in your life you will never reach the full stride in your Christian walk.

Strife is the fruit of offense and will never be rectified in your life because it is an effect, not a cause. You can rebuke it, make vows to not enter into it, and even experience limited success in living victoriously over it, but strife will never be defeated until you destroy its root. The root of strife is OFFENSE.

Offense feeds on itself and produces after its kind.\

You will never grow spiritually beyond your offenses. Offense is like a chain-linked fence that hampers your every movement. Offense is like trying to water ski with the anchor down. Last summer I tried to water ski for the first time in 25 years. In my mind I remembered the slim, athletic body of my youth doing tricks and basically showing off. In reality I was a 42 year old, out of shape, fat man trolling for bottom fish. If it were not for the fact that fat floats, I would have been bouncing off the floor of the lake all day. I knew what I wanted to do, but was limited by the constraints of my less-than-conditioned body. This is how offense hinders your spiritual development. You know what to do and you desire to do such, but the sickness of your spirit will not allow your desires to come to maturity. Offense feeds on itself and produces after its kind. The cycle of offense is as follows:

1. An event takes place and you have the opportunity to be offended. An important point to understand is that offenses need to come (Luke 17: 1-4). Offenses give you the opportunity to grow in your Christian faith by operating in forgiveness and introspection. In the above mentioned scripture we are admonished by the Lord to forgive seven times seven, or as often as needed to remove the offense. Offenses will come to produce Christian maturity, but the offense does not have to become your friend.

2. Your feelings and/or expectations are hurt. In most cases we are offended because our feelings are hurt or we perceive someone as slighting or diminishing us. I once greeted a pastor, “Good morning, Man of God,” only to receive a curt “Yeah, right.” He left to lead a meeting and I thought to myself how easily I could have been offended. I prayed for him the rest of that day. My feelings were hurt.

3. You then take offense. When you take offense you are valuing your hurt more than the other person. What is more valuable, your relationship with the person or your bruised feelings? People are eternal: feelings change. Your relationship with that person is of great value because you might be neighbors for eternity in Heaven.

4. You make inner vows based on your offense. Inner vows are a net that ensnares and ties your offense to your spirit. Some examples of inner vows are: “I’ll never forgive my spouse.” “I’ll never do that to my children.” “I’ll never ask them for help again.” “I’ll never try that again."

5. You speak forth words of strife based on the offense rather than the situation. It is here that strife enters into the picture. The offense has been tied to your heart by the inner vows, and words of strife are unleashed.

6. Offense becomes a memory. This memory becomes the seed bed for further offenses and for a root of bitterness.

7. You are now set up for another event to take place where you can be re-offended.

The question now arises, how is an offense destroyed and removed? How are the walls that divide torn down and the debris removed? In Isaiah 58:6 we read, “Is this not the fast which I chose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free, and break every yoke?” Herein are the steps necessary for the destroying of offenses.

Choose to walk in love and grow from the experience.

Loosen the bonds of wickedness. A bond is that which ties two things together. The bonds of wickedness are the inner vows you have made. These bonds tied your offense to your spirit. You must repent for them and allow Jesus to cut their hold over your life. These vows have become the rope that has tied your offenses to your back. You have become burdened from the strain of carrying that load. Cut those bonds by repenting of your vows. The joy of the Lord has been but a distant memory because of laboring under this load. Allow Jesus to cut the cords as you repent.

Undo the bands of the yoke. The bands are that which keep the yoke in place. It is the gossip and words of strife you have spoken against the person who offended you. Again, repentance is in order. But you might say, “I was unjustly treated, I was mishandled, I was hurt and they were wrong.” The issue is not the justification for your offense. Jesus said offenses would come. The issue is how you dealt with the offenses. The offense came to make you more Christ-like. What have you done with that opportunity? Words of strife are the metal collar of the yoke. It is up to you to take the collar off. Some of you may need to go to those you gossiped to and repent to them also.

Let the oppressed go free. Forgiveness will set both you and the person free who offended you. While you are offended, you are held captive to that offense. Let us say you have been offended by a pastor. As long as you are offended you will not receive from him any of the words that the Lord has employed him to share with you. You are in bondage. The pastor is also in bondage because, when you are offended, you cease to pray and speak needed words of encouragement to him. He misses out on the many ways the Lord could use you to minister into his life.

Break every yoke. The yoke is that which is employed by the devil to place you into slavery. God desires for you to be a servant, not a slave. The yoke is the offense. Choose to walk in love and grow from the experience. It is easy to be offended, it is difficult to love. Love involves Christian maturity and discipline. This is the high road to glory and fullness in your Christian walk.

I pray that the offenses that have held you captive will fall at the foot of the cross of Jesus who forgave even as His last breath was exhausted.