August, 1998

How To Replace A Heart Of Stone
Part One
by Marilyn Conrad and Dan Gabel

We try to determine how our mates have acquired obstacles to reconciliation and how we with God's help can remove them. However, God's Word tells us in Matthew 7:3-5 and again in Luke 6:41-42 that we need to apply these principles not to our mates but first to ourselves. We need to keep reminding ourselves of this priority throughout this teaching.

In the process of reconciliation, there often appears to be resistance that is difficult to overcome even though the Covenant Keeper fasts, prays, and is sincerely open to the working of God in his or her life. It may seem that our mate is so locked into deception that nothing can break him or her free. In these difficult cases, there are obstacles that are preventing restoration and healing. In God's Word He describes this condition as a heart of stone. The good news is that God has a way of removing the heart of stone that resists all attempts of reconciliation. He has a way that will replace that heart of stone with one of flesh that responds to His Spirit and His ministry of reconciliation.

One of the great passages of reconciliation is found in Ezekiel 36:23-28. Many of us have claimed this for our mates and families without realizing the significance of the "heart of stone" that God promises to remove. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26 NIV

A heart of stone is a defensive wall we build around our hearts. This usually occurs when we are children in sinful response to the hurts and neglects that have come into our lives.

•     A heart of stone is a malformation of character.

•     A heart of stone is the result of a process that constructs an inner foundation. It provides a central support for one's own intellectual position in an area.

•     A heart of stone deadens, insulates and isolates a person's spirit and shuts down the mental capabilities we need for real interaction of heart and mind.

•     A heart of stone prevents us from opening our spirit to be vulnerable because it hurts too much.

The breakdown of homes through divorce and separation has resulted in unprecedented problems and development of hearts of stone in a generation of children. Hearts of stone can be formed later in life, but those formed in childhood are apt to be forgotten and are therefore more powerful.

Reconciliation of our marriages depends on receiving the revealing light of God's spirit and hearing the truth of God's Word. A heart of stone acts to blind our spiritual eyes and deafens our spiritual ears.

"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." Acts 28:27

A heart of stone is not limited to our mates. We must also guard against developing a heart of stone while our mates are not home.

Over the years we have seen many marriages restored. In some cases, even though the Covenant Keeper used scriptural principles that allowed God to bring their mate back, they themselves had "hidden" hearts of stone that kept the relationship from being healed. The result was that the mate could not stay in the relationship and left again. This is particularly common among those who serve others (doctors, pastors, and others in ministry). While they can give out to others, their own heart of stone isolates them and keeps them from receiving needed ministry in their own lives. If they do receive ministry, those with "hidden" hearts of stone must choose who ministers to them; they must be in control.

A "hidden" heart of stone will prevent healing after the marriage is restored. A heart of stone may lie hidden behind a warm and friendly exterior. But it will stop the love and communication that is needed for a relationship to be restored and to grow.

Hearts of stone resist change. They require persistent prayer, love and ministry. This cannot be accomplished alone.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more, as you see the day drawing near." Hebrews 10:23-35 NAS

The heart of stone must be dealt with if healing is to come after a couple is reconciled. We have learned this first hand by observing reconciled marriages. In three cases, we believed, prayed and saw God reconcile couples that were active in ministry for Him. In each case, the Covenant Keeper would not receive ministry and because of their hidden heart of stone, the healing process in their marriage did not continue. The reconciliation in each case lasted for two to five years, when the mate left again.

One such husband, the covenant keeper, was a very successful, out-going professional, involved in civic affairs. After reconciliation, when ministry and healing was so necessary, the husband refused counsel and ministry for himself while continuing to reach out and minister to others. Although his own heart of stone needed to be dealt with, he refused all help. Eventually, after several years, his wife filed for divorce once again.

On the other hand, another couple reconciled where the covenant keeper had been open to the Holy Spirit. She had repented and received healing for her own heart of stone and was able to walk in love and persevere, even when her mate did not want to be set free. He lashed out at her because the heart of stone doesn't want to come to life. You have to love it back even when the person you are trying to love strikes back! Her love melted that heart of stone and today he is attending church with her and reaching out for help.

The way to overcome a heart of stone is to melt it through persistent love. Jesus said, "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad because great is your reward…." Matthew 5:11-12 NIV. We rejoice because the other person is coming to life! This is our joy and reward. Husbands, especially, become meaner and meaner the more their wives express love.

"God is love." 1 John 4:8 "(Love) hears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…." 1 Corinthians 13:7-8 NAS

It is important for covenant keepers to receive persistent ministry (encouragement, hugging, etc.) through a group of loving believers so that a hidden heart of stone will not develop or will be removed so that healing, restoration and growth will occur when the mate returns.

However, Satan does not give up. Unless we maintain diligence and deal with the habits of our old nature, we can stop the flow of healing in our marriage when we are back together with our mates.

God uses human vessels (us) to love and melt hearts of stone. As our own hearts of stone are healed we will recognize a stony heart in others and extend love and acceptance that will also melt their stony hearts.

As covenant keepers, we must allow the Holy Spirit to shine His light into our own hearts because more than likely we also have a stony heart. Almost everyone does.

We want to look at two areas that cause a heart of stone: Inner Vows and Bitterroot Judgments. This month in our on-line newsletter we will deal with inner vows. While inner vows are usually developed as a result of events during childhood and adolescence, the result causes relationship problems that can not only break up marriages but prevent healing and restoration unless they are dealt with.

Inner vows are determinations or directives sent into our inner being which thereafter control and block our being from energies and actions. An inner vow is a purpose or directive formed in our minds. Inner vows are often spoken with our mouth and they take control over our flesh.

•     An inner vow is a practice within the heart of stone.

•     Inner vows form triggers for habitual behaviors or ways of the flesh.

•     Inner vows become stubborn obstructions in our natures whose specific function is to make us think, feel and act only as that vow has set the mold.

Inner vows are formed when we react to an event and purpose in our hearts. For example we may vow to "not be like our mother" or "never act like that" or "I won't share my feelings again!" Our determinations have tremendous power over our bodies physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

As a young girl, a covenant keeper's mate sought her father's love and approval. Instead she received rejection, mistrust, and abandonment. In her frustration and anger she vowed that she would never love a man. During her teen years she reacted to her dad by being very promiscuous. After several relationships she married and then divorced. Later she was saved, remarried and served the Lord with her talents, appearing on radio programs and a national Christian television program. However, even her marriage as a Christian did not provide fulfillment. In her search for love, she again divorced, remarried and had other unmarried relationships. She left each man, unable to love them.

The inner vow she had made and forgotten had formed a heart of stone and was blocking her being able to love a mate.

Inner vows refuse change. A person may grow up in other areas but not in that area. In the area of the inner vow, the person remains childish and reactive. Inner vows do not easily release their hold on us. Inner vows are very common.

Our inner being persistently retains such programming no matter what changes of mind and heart may later pertain. The distinctive mark of an inner vow is that it resists the normal maturation process. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11

Inner vows may not manifest immediately in behavior. They may rest totally forgotten and dormant, until triggered by the right persons or situations. Having forgotten them, we are unaware they exist or could have any effect.

While some inner vows may seem to be good commitments, they should be broken and released to the Lord because most inner vows are fleshly, binding and inhibiting the freedom of our spirit to interact with the Holy Spirit.

As an example, when a covenant keeper's mate made plans to divorce her she made a vow to him, "I'll make it on my own, I promise you that!" Although a good commitment, it was fleshly and needed to be broken because she indeed became more successful than her mate and he felt she did not need him. "If anyone makes a rash vow, whether the vow is good or bad, when he realizes what a foolish vow he has taken, he is guilty." Lev 5:4 TLB

We can best identify inner vows with the help of others. Many times our covenant keepers group can help us, but it often takes a Christian counselor or pastor.

Inner vows are often behind stubborn practices in the old nature. Compulsive behaviors such as drinking, eating or spending often indicate inner vows at their root.

Also, if molestation has occurred as a child, often an inner vow was formed. The child may have vowed, "I'll never share myself with a man," or "I'll get even," desiring to punish any man. As a result, later in life sex is confined to physical stimulation because the spirit does not flow out and nestle with the mate.

In Numbers 30 we learn that authority can break vows when they become known. Satan knows the power of vows. He tries to use them to block reconciliation. Just effort or willpower can't keep us from their effect. It takes the power of authority. Another believer conveys this power through Jesus.

Inner vows are broken through prayer by pronouncing forgiveness for the action that caused the formation of the inner vow by the authority of Jesus Christ. Ask the Lord to forgive you for the inner vow that you formed. Be specific, not general, about the area of the vow. If you are not sure, first ask God to reveal it to you.

Have your pastor, group leader or a mature believer lay hands on you and forgive you and break the vow in the authority of the name of Jesus. They should bind the inner vow and loose you from its power. They should pray healing for the body, mind and emotions. Loose God's will, plan and purpose to be done.

Continue in fellowship with a group of believers who will love and encourage you and help you replace the habit patterns that developed as a result of the inner vow.

In summary, a heart of stone is comprised of walls that we have built to protect ourselves from hurt. These same walls block out the healing power of God, prevent restoration and form a stronghold for delusion and deception.

Satan tries to use the power of vows to build a heart of stone that will block reconciliation. He uses events in our lives to entice us into rash vows that later hurt relationships and hinder God's healing power (Proverbs 20:25 NIV). The good news is that through the blood of Jesus Christ, we can be freed from rash inner vows.

Prayer: Father, we ask that you show us if we have hearts of stone. Show us if we have had sinful reactions to hurtful, unkind things that were done to us. We forgive and apply the blood of Jesus to our sinful reactions. We bring them to the foot of the cross and let them die. Remove the walls we have built and give us hearts of flesh. Lord, we desire healing for any inner vows we have made. We repent and ask your forgiveness. We forgive those who have hurt and wronged us. We pray for healing for our bodies, minds and emotions. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

CHANGE ME, LORD
by Vonnie Hieber

A statement made by T.D. Jakes on TBN says it well, "If you don't deal with your mistakes, after a while the mistakes will mar the miracle." We need to work on all the little areas in our lives and become as much like Jesus as possible. A word from the Lord, given by a ministry intercessor confirms this: "There are ones (people) I am still working on. The ones who have said it is impossible, they are the ones. If they do things my way they will have a testimony. I am moving into the outfield of self-evaluation. Things we think we never have to work on but instead we need to look into self. People say, 'I am entitled to something better,' but they need to look into themselves. Put out the anger and the poor attitudes and go to the people (towards whom you have anger) and tell them what you have done and ask for forgiveness. Then watch them get nervous and squirm and the truth will come out. The truth will boil up to the top. In the end wonderful and real men and women will come out walking in the right path. Don't look at the circumstances, but look at My Word."

Circumstances are there but are only temporary. The Word of God is always consistently the same. God reminds me of Matthew 7:4, "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye,' and look, a plank is in your own eye." The circumstances and behaviors of our mates and others decrease in our eyes as we increase in the Lord and clean up our attitudes and become more Godly.

Create In Me…

God states in Deuteronomy 10:16 that we should circumcise our hearts. One way to do this is to pray over ourselves Psalm 61:10, "Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me." Often when one person in a family drops his or her hostility, hatred and unforgiveness, other family members do also. Thus a door to healing opens.

Let this be a time of self-evaluation, change, forgiveness and a total commitment and trust in the Lord. What a privilege we have to spend time with the Lord. Let it be that Jesus is our source and focus. Remember, Jesus said in Matthew 21:22, "…and whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive" and miracles will happen. However, don't get hung up on the timing. As the Lord states in Habakkuk 2:3, "For the vision is yet for an appointed time, But at the end it will speak and it will not lie, though it tarries, wait for it. Because it will surely come. It will not tarry."

Don’t Grow Weary

Jesus also states in Galatians 6:9 that we will reap our harvest if we do not grow weary in doing good. Never think you have arrived or done all, but continue to grow in the Lord. Remember, the battle is not ours but the Lord's. Continue to study, serve, pray, believe, trust and focus on Him and see miracles. Let us be a light among our families, friends and the world. He is our strength!