June, 1998

FATHERLESS FAMILIES
by Marilyn Conrad

Several of you have sent newspaper articles written about fatherless families and the problems which arise from absentee dads. It appears that society is finally recognizing that divorce is contributing to poverty, teen pregnancy, drugs and violence and is desiring to do something about it.

According to USA TODAY, every night 37% of America's children go to sleep in a home where their natural father doesn't live. The report stated, "Children who do not live with a mother and a father are more likely to be high school dropouts, more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs and more likely to be dependent on welfare than children who live with both biological parents." (Marilyn's note: 1990 US Census shows that when kids live with both parents only 9% live in poverty while 23.2% live in poverty if they live with only a dad and 46% live in poverty if they live only with mom.)

The report goes on to say, "Children need a secure base from which to try to achieve. They need both a mother and a father there saying, 'Strive, do better, challenge yourself,' but at the same time if they come up short, to be able to comfort them." 

Encouraging father-absence to be placed on civic, philanthropic, educational and denomination agendas, the article concluded by saying, "Society has convinced itself fathers are not all that important. If we resign ourselves to that, more and more children will grow up without fathers."

The article quotes David Blakenhorn, author of Fatherless America, "Fatherlessness is the urgent social problem of our generation. If you look at some of the negative trends most on people's minds today- teenage pregnancy, children in poverty, educational failure, violence against women, crime or juvenile delinquency- the trend of fatherlessness is the engine that drives these pressing problems… Where did these problems come from? We won't reverse the trend of declining child well-being unless we strengthen fatherhood."

Mr. Blakenhorn offers as solutions: "Putting fatherlessness front and center on the national agendas… along with the welfare system, which is a disincentive for responsible fatherhood. We need to focus on our tax codes, our marriage and divorce laws, and the way we think about marriage along with the very basic issue of what being a good man really means. It certainly ought to mean being a responsible, nurturing father for the children you bring into this world."

Other solutions were: 1) Turning America's divorce rate around with new attitudes about the importance of having both parents in the home, and not with new laws. Divorces aren't good for children and that can't be solved with government policy but by stimulating civic institutions to take on the issue. 2) Reforming welfare policies that discriminate against marriage. In the long term, men are very unlikely to be committed fathers outside marriage. Eighty percent of the fathers who bear children out of wedlock have no consistent pattern of visitation with the child.

Praise the Lord, our prayers are being answered. Secular counselors and psychologists are finally recognizing what we have known for a long time. We must continue to pray for them along with all the newly elected officials in Washington who can make an impact on our nation.

And we must continue to pray for pastors. We must pray that they also will come into understanding of covenant and recognize what divorce and separation do to children and then be willing to do something about it.

However, if pastors will not teach the importance of commitment to marriage vows, God will raise up others such as Promise Keepers, a national organization for men founded in 1990. Founder Bill McCartney says "I have a vision that by the year 2000, every football stadium across America will be filled with men - across racial lines. We can turn our nation around."

Covenant Keepers has also played a major role in helping fatherless families to be turned around. I praise the Lord for all the Godly men across this nation and abroad, who have come to realize the importance of standing for their marriages and have paid the price.

The family unit is so basic that everything we are and everything we stand for comes apart without it. As a building block, it is the cornerstone of the church and the neighborhood. If we do not have strong families with a mother and a father we will not have strong churches or strong neighborhoods, cities, states or nations.

Generations to come will be affected by our decisions as men and women to stand for God's best... a healed family! We will preserve the family's primary function of teaching our children biblical values and traditions along with enduring personal relationships, support and loyalty.

Some of you men may be asking, "But what about my children. Are they going to suffer because I am not with them to help direct their lives? I see them only on the weekends." Women may be thinking, "How can my children's father influence them when they are seldom together, and even when they are, his lifestyle is not a good influence? I don't like the bad seeds being sown into my children's lives."

I know your children are hurting, but you must guard against taking on their offenses. As you forgive and love unconditionally, you set an example for them that paves the way for the healing of their relationships. One day, through your prayers, you will see God "turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers." Malachi 4:6

This time, as painful as it may seem, can be a time of great growth for you and your children. As you walk in love, according to 1 Corinthians 13, your children will learn one of God's greatest principles…that love never fails. Their respect and love for their parent is at stake here. Your example before them is so important. What you do and especially what you say about him or her is vital. What they learn during this time will prepare them for a lifetime. The Word says that our faith works by our love. (Galatians 5:6) Walking in love does not mean that you are condoning what they are doing. It simply means that your decisions are spirit-led, not emotion-led, regardless of what the decisions are. "Be watchful, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." 1 Corinthians 6:13-14

It is necessary to repent for any bad seed we (not just our mates) are guilty of sowing. As we sow good seed into our children's lives we will reap a harvest not only for ourselves but also in our children.

In conclusion, as a ministry, Covenant Keepers is fulfilling the vision God has given us to see families healed and marriages saved or put back together. One marriage at a time we are helping eradicate fatherlessness in our nation and around the world.

Where Have All The Fathers Gone?
By Mike & Marilyn Phillipps
Used by permission

One summer we found ourselves in a small waiting room outside a busy hospital emergency room. By contrast to the activity behind those swinging double doors, the room in which we waited was dimly lit and quiet.

Three children sat nervously on the edge of their chairs. Moments before, the chaplain had taken their mother away to talk to the doctor. Anxious relatives and friends murmured softly to them and to each other. The subdued lighting of the room seemed in sharp contrast to the tension that gripped everyone. We all waited to hear the news.

Soon the mother returned. One look at her ashen face told us what we did not want to hear. The chaplain on one arm, the doctor on the other, slowly lowered her into a chair and she gathered her three children in her arms. Then in a voice that seemed to take every ounce of courage she could muster she said, "Kids, Daddy didn't make it."

The children all drew a sharp breath and crying, "No!", fell sobbing onto her chest. For several moments they clung together crying, the rest of us shut out from the depth of their grief.

Each of us in that room longed to make it not so. We all knew the triumph this couple had tasted in the past few months. After so many years of turmoil and pain, they had finally come to know victory over the enemy through the power of Jesus. The hell they had called marriage had been exchanged for the glory of marriage God's way. Now after such a brief season of hope, it seemed impossible that it was over.

Listen To The Cries Of The Children Whose Father Has Been Taken From Them

Suddenly, as we watched, the Lord began to speak. At the time the two of us were on opposite sides of the room and it was not until later that we discovered God had spoken the same word to both of us simultaneously. He said, "Listen to the cries of the children whose father has been taken from them. Hear their cries and know their grief. This you understand because their father has died but there are millions of children who cry just like this because their father has been taken from them through divorce. Do you hear their cries? Never forget them. They are multiplied the world over by children that no one hears."

Suddenly in our spirits we could hear the cries multiplied over and over. "No!" "No!" "No!" the cries of millions of children echoed in our hearts. Something happened within us that night. A new determination was born to not let the devil have one more marriage!

We watched people put their arms around those three little children that night, comforting and loving them. Not one person told them that it was better that their dad was dead than alive. How cruel that would have been!

One Parent Is Better Than Two

Yet every day children of divorce are told that it is better. They are told that one parent is better than two. They are told that life will be better following divorce. They are lovingly convinced that it is the answer. Even though the circumstances may appear to be better, each child knows that losing a parent is a terrible solution. In fact, for the child, it is usually no solution at all.

That night the Lord showed us something else - something we had never seen before. In Matthew 19, right after Jesus spoke regarding divorce and remarriage it says, "People were bringing little children to Jesus to have Him touch them…" The disciples rebuked them and tried to send them away but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them." Jesus longs to minister to the children.

Children are the physical representation of the one-flesh union. Both parents have been poured into them and they cannot be separated out again. Each child feels the tearing within as parents try to neatly divide themselves from each other. It cannot be done. The child cannot be divided.

Solomon once faced two parents, each of which claimed to be the mother of the same baby. To determine which was the real parent, Solomon suggested that the child be cut in half. One woman thought this was a good plan but the baby's real mother begged for the baby's life. She did not want to see the baby divided.

We must stop dividing up our babies and calling it a solution. We must stop lying to ourselves that one parent is better than two. We must stop lying to our children that divorce is a solution. They know better. Their hearts cry out for their daddies and mommies. Whether they are two or twenty when their parents separate, they know the pain of division.

Wake Up, Church!

Church, it's time to wake up. The devil has spent the last two generations destroying the home and crushing the children. Today the Church is filled with wounded, scarred people who received their afflictions within the walls of their own homes.

The strength of the Body from the smallest cell to the entire unit is based on the strength of the home. Both father and mother are part of that strength. God's plan for marriage and home still stands no matter what the humanists say today.

If the return of the father to the home is not possible, then the church must begin to father those who have been left orphans through death or divorce. Jesus longs to heal the children but that healing must come through flesh and blood people who are willing to extend their love to the little ones. Spiritual fathers can fill the void left by biological ones and bring healing and wholeness to broken children. Steadfast, unconditional love will enable the heart of our heavenly Father to become a reality in the lives of those who have only known fragmented, conditional acceptance. We must all be part of the solution.

With God's Solution, Everybody Wins

If, somehow, you are still considering divorce as an option, please realize that God wants you to use the circumstances of your marriage to bring healing to you, to your spouse, and to your children. With God's solution, everybody wins. With the devil's solution, everybody loses. Don't believe the lie that divorce is the only solution. You only change your circumstances. You still take 50% of the problem with you and some day, some how, you, your spouse, and your children are still going to need to be healed.

Why not let Jesus begin that healing today! Let this be the hour in which He turns the hearts of the fathers to their children and hearts of the children to their fathers! When human love has failed, God can change hearts.

OUR CHILDREN SUFFER FATHER HUNGER
"They Do Have A Real Daddy Right Here, Right Now"
by Starr Lichty Regional Director, East Central Region

Recently, the Lord dropped this into my spirit as I was praying again about the absence of my children's father from our home, going on eighteen (18) years. I was pondering again some of the resulting effects evident in my children's lives. This is what God said to me: "Even as your generation of Covenant Keepers has learned much about Me as your Husband, Wife, and Source of all needs, so shall your children's generation learn much about Me as their real Daddy".

We as Covenant Keepers are living with children who are devastated by the absence of Mommy and Daddy at home together in harmony. Some of these children suffer more than others, but they all suffer! You've heard it said before, "In a divorce no one wins, neither husband, wife, nor children. All suffer!"

In the front of my Bible I listed forty-four scriptures which I have prayed over my children for twenty years, i.e., that "they would grow in wisdom, and in stature, and in favor with God and man" as Jesus did, recorded in Luke 2:52. "My children are taught of the Lord and great shall be their peace". Isaiah 54:13

I have also raised up my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and blessed them. I have anointed them and fasted for them. Having done all, I stand on God's promises.

However, having done all the above I have observed something God wants us to know... that without the presence and blessing of their Daddy at home in Christian harmony with Mommy, these children still lack. What they lack is the maturing and completion of their own image; they lack trust in God the Father.

So our challenge is to teach them and pray for them to learn to relate to God as their real Daddy. This Daddy will never leave or forsake them, or lie to them or let them down. This Daddy is always there and always trustworthy. He is right here, right now.

In summary, Covenant Keepers must learn to trust God as Husband, Wife, Provider, and Source of all needs and our children must learn to trust God as Daddy. Learning these lessons heals and frees us to become what God intended.

My teen daughter has selected a book to help in her search, "Father Hunger", by Robert S. McGee, published by Vine Books.

I have bought a book for my son, "Father and Son" by Gordon Dalbey, Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Highly recommended for our young and adult sons are the Promise Keepers Seminars being held around the country along with their "New Man" magazine published by Strang Communications.

Also, I recommend for all of us "The Ancient Paths" by Craig Hill, available through our Tape and Book Catalog.