September, 1998

How To Replace A Heart Of Stone
Part Two
By Marilyn Conrad & Dan Gabel

As we have learned, we need to have a heart of flesh rather than a heart of stone for reconciliation and restoration of our marriages. To the degree that we receive warmth, love and affection, to that degree we have a heart of flesh. To the degree that we do not receive warmth and affection, to that degree we build walls around our heart.

A heart of stone is comprised of walls that we have built to protect ourselves from hurt. These same walls block out the healing power of God, prevent restoration and form a stronghold for delusion and deception.

Two areas that cause a heart of stone to develop are inner vows and bitter root judgments. Events that form the basis for these two areas usually occur in childhood, but the results can show up later in life.

Satan tries to use the power of vows to build a heart of stone that will block reconciliation. He uses events in our lives to entice us into rash vows that later hurt relationships and hinder God's healing power. "It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows" (Proverbs 20:25 NIV). The good news is that through the blood of Jesus Christ, we can be freed from rash inner vows.

Bitter Root Judgments

When we judge others, we activate two powerful laws of nature, the law of sowing and reaping and the law of increase. In our own strength, we cannot resist the results of these laws. Only the grace and mercy of God can overcome the effects of judging others.

"For there will be no mercy to those who have shown no mercy. But if you have been merciful, then God's mercy toward you will win out over his judgment against you." James 2:13 TLB

"See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled." Hebrews 12:15 NAS

Judgment is a form of unforgiveness. Judgment is more than forming a opinion about something someone else has said or done. It is holding them responsible for not measuring up to our specific code of conduct or action. When we judge someone we hold that person in bondage, which in return comes back on us.

"Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Galatians 6:7

A bitter root judgment is a seed that is sown as the result of judging an event in our life. Just as a tiny mustard seed grows to produce a large tree, so a seed of judgment increases the longer it remains unrecognized and unrepented of. So we sow a tiny judgment and reap again and again, larger and larger in life.

We not only get back the same kind of crop we sow, but because of the "law of increase" (Mark 4:24) we get back more! Just as a spark can produce a forest fire if left untended, so a bitter-root judgment sown as a seed of anger or resentment, if left undetected and unrepented, will produce devastation.

In addition, a bitter root judgment causes others to respond in negative ways that they otherwise would resist.

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." Romans 14:13 NIV

Notice that it is our judging action that causes others to become defiled and because they are defiled they act in an ungodly manner.

For example, if your mate is trapped in adultery (in or out of a non-covenant marriage) and can't seem to break loose, they have probably judged you or someone else. Look for areas where they accused you of trapping them. They may not have used those exact words but you know they felt trapped.

A good example, women, is if you and your husband committed fornication (sex before marriage) and your husband pressured you into having sex by saying, "It's all right, we're getting married." The result is they may have felt trapped into marrying you even though they may not have expressed it. You may also have judged your mate.

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit." 1 Thes. 4:3-8 NIV

If fornication occurred before your marriage (regardless of whether or not you were Christians) and you have never repented for the part you played, you need to do so. Your own repentance brings cleansing and opens the door for God to work.

Next, if you can ask forgiveness from your mate, do so. Sometimes this isn't possible because of a non-covenant marriage. Perhaps a letter could be written or a phone call made. JUST USE WISDOM.

A covenant keeper repented of sleeping with her mate the night before their wedding. She called her husband and said. "I know you have felt trapped and I want to ask your forgiveness for the part I played. It wasn't all your fault." He forgave her and moved back home a week later, and stopped the divorce action he had filed.

According to Deut. 29:18, bitter roots produce poison that turn our hearts away from God. When we turn our hearts from God they become hardened as stone.

"Make sure there is no man or woman, clan or tribe among you today whose heart turns away from the LORD our God to go and worship the gods of those nations; make sure there is no root among you that produces such bitter poison." Deut. 29:118

When we have a bitter root judgment in an area, it blocks our mates from responding in a positive way (in that area) as God would have them respond. Our mate's response reinforces the negative expectation that is associated with our judgment. We react to their response in a way that builds a dividing wall between us and triggers hardness both in our heart and our mate's heart.

God's desire is that we deal with our flesh nature. Our mates are God's provision to force us to face areas that need His healing and provision. Instead of dealing with problems, we judge and build walls against the mate that God has brought into our lives to polish and perfect us. While the world's cure is to find someone else (the perfect 'soul mate'), God's answer is to exchange the walls that divide us for the cross of Christ that reconciles us.

Good News

Even though your mate refuses to enter into the process of transformation in the Lord, the good news is that all is not lost. Because of our covenant with the Lord and with our mates the unbelieving partner is sanctified by the believing partner. What happens in the heart of one affects the other. Eventually it will bear fruit.

"For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy." 1 Corinthians 7:14

Bitter root judgments are the most common, most basic sins in all marital relationships. A man and a woman are made up of their experiences in life and their reactions to them. Most couples enter marriage with little or no awareness of what they are bringing with them.

Ask yourself, "What have I done or judged that is reaping the actions I see in my mate toward me?"

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2 NIV

We do not need to be afraid that we will miss finding a judgment that will block our reconciliation. We can claim the promise in His Word found in Matthew 10:26, "Therefore do not fear them, for there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known." (NAS) [Also see Luke 8:17, Luke 12:2-3]

Forgiving others enables us to receive forgiveness. "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses." Mark 11:25-26

Through prayer forgive those for the actions that caused you to judge them.

"Do not say, 'I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done.'" Proverbs 24:29 RSV

"…bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do." Col. 3:13 NKJV

Jesus has commissioned us to reach out to our mates and to others and forgive the sins they have committed so they can experience His restoring presence in every area.

"Whosoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whosoever sins ye retain, they are retained." John 20:23

We also need to receive forgiveness for judging and defiling others.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you." Eph. 4:32 NIV

"Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD'-- and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah." Psalm 32:5 NIV

Summary

Job 5:1-6 describes a situation where an individual, because of resentment and envy in his heart, developed a bitter root that poisoned his family (cursed his house). The apostle Paul knew the dangers of bitter root judgments. He warned the Christians in Corinth to avoid them. "We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world. I am not writing this to shame you, but to warn you, as my dear children" (1 Corinthians 4:12-14 NIV). Instead of judging others, we must show them the kindness and mercy that God has shown us.

When we eliminate the effects of past inner vows and judgments, then we can have a heart of flesh. A heart of flesh protects us from the negative effects of unforgiveness and judgment by others. With a heart of flesh, sensitive to God's Spirit, we can through His grace, sow love and reap reconciliation and healing in our lives and in the lives of our mates.

PRAYER: Father, we ask that you show us if we have hearts of stone. If we have had sinful reactions to hurtful, unkind things that were done to us. We forgive and apply the blood of Jesus to our sinful reactions. We bring them to the foot of the cross and let them die. Remove our hearts of stone - the walls we have built - and give us hearts of flesh. Lord, we desire healing for any inner vows we have made. We repent and ask your forgiveness. We forgive those who have hurt and wronged us. We pray for healing for our bodies, minds and emotions. We also repent for any bitter root judgments we have made against our mates or others. We forgive anyone who hurt us and we ask your forgiveness for judging them. We place the blood and the cross between us and these actions. In Jesus' name, Amen.

It's Worth The Wait

According to Luke 1:35 there will be a performance of God's word in our lives. Jeremiah 1:12 says, "God watches over His word to perform it - to bring it to pass." Believe it - obey it - and trust God to bring it to pass! Don't be discouraged! Habakkuk 2:3 says it will come to pass at God's timing. "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; (that's God's time clock, not ours) it will hasten toward the goal and it will not fail; though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certain come, it will not delay." God will bring to completion what He has begun. Our responsibility is to trust Him and allow Him to work in our own lives at the same time He is working in our mates. The "tarrying" time is a season of growth and development in us. The enemy of our souls would have us resist this time and be impatient. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit that we need to develop in our lives. Without patience our faith will grow weak and we will faint. Jesus endured the cross for us so that we would not get weary. Hebrews 12:3 says, "For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you may not grow weary and lose heart."

SO HOLD FAST AND DON'T GIVE UP

"Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering, for He is faithful that promised." Hebrews 10:23

Keep the faith that God has put in your heart. If you have been praying for a miracle - keep declaring God's promises! This is no time to back up, slack off or quit.

"Do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised." Hebrews 10:35-36 NAS

Be encouraged and say, "It's worth the wait!"

WAIT
(author unknown)

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly He replied.

I pled and I wept for clue to my fate,

And the Master said gently, "My child, you must wait."

"Wait, you say wait. "My indignant reply.

Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.

Is your hand shortened or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked and I'm claiming Your word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance and you tell me, "Wait?"

I'm needing a yes, a go ahead sign,

Or even a no, to which I'll resign.

And, Lord, you've promised that if we believe,

We need but to ask and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry.

I'm weary of asking. I need a reply.

And quietly, softly, I learned of my fate.

As my master replied once again - "You must wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated, and thought,

Grumbling to God I said, "So I'm waiting - for what?"

He seemed to kneel and his eyes met with mine.

Then He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.

All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be.

All the things that you want, but you wouldn't know me.

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair.

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in me

When darkness and silence was all you could see.

You would never experience that fullness of love,

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give and save for a start

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

The glow of my comfort late in the night.

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond just getting what you ask

Of an infinite God - who makes what you have, last.

And you would never know should your pain quickly flee,

What it means by, "My grace is sufficient for thee."

Yes, your dreams for that loved one over one night could come true.

But what a loss, if you lost what I'm doing in you.

So be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though often may my answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still -Wait."