Now What Lord?
Jesus, thank you so much for the great report at the cardiologist’s office today! My doctor said that my new heart valve is doing just fine, and, because of it, my other valves are functioning better than before my surgery in October! Lord, You have made me so happy and relieved.
Jesus and I have an ongoing conversation almost continually every day. Even when I am not happy and relieved like when I am upset or disappointed, I may say, “Now why did You let that happen? Or why didn’t You do something different? If I were God, I would do such and such!” Not meaning to sound arrogant, I just react because something doesn’t make sense. During such times, I have heard God’s response in my heart, “Well that’s why you aren’t God!” In my relationship with Jesus, we talk a lot!
Talk with Jesus is what I did repeatedly in 1976-1977 when things in my marriage were going very sour. In those years I wanted God to help me be a better wife and I wanted God to fix my husband! He did help me become a better wife (even my husband admitted that), but still my husband’s attitudes and behaviors went downhill in front of everyone’s eyes. I felt the devil’s purpose was to destroy our Christian marriage and our family with four children. At that time, we had been married 11 ½ years and were living in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
My husband and I met as single Church of the Brethren volunteers in service to Castaner Hospital, a mission hospital that sits on a mountain in the heart of Puerto Rico. In less than a year after meeting, we were married by my father in Pennsylvania in my home church and then returned to live in San Juan. I worked as a nurse and he as a manager of a private ambulance and oxygen service. He also trained to be a mortician and started our own funeral business on the mountain.
Because we wanted to be parents, my heart cry was, Lord, why am I not getting pregnant? This is very discouraging…Lord, please help! After five years of marriage and no children, we received an offer to adopt a baby boy who was born and left at Castaner Hospital out – a three-and-a-half-hour drive for us. The offer came to us by mail because the only phone in Castaner was out of order. So, as I read the letter to my husband at work, we both became so excited that we left town as soon as we made a quick stop to buy baby supplies. When we arrived and saw the crying baby through the window, our hearts instantly said, “Yes!” to adopting him. So, that day, we became parents. Wow!
After five more years of infertility, we requested healing prayers with our pastor couple, an elder couple, and a missionary from our church. During that prayer, after fasting dinner, a first for me, they anointed us with oil and petitioned the Great Physician for healing. Thank you, Jesus, You healed me right then and there! I experienced a surprising warm glowing touch on my womb.
But, in the next year and a half waiting to conceive, I questioned God again. Why is this taking so long? Did You even heal me for sure? At the same time, I could feel lots of doubt going on in my head. I was crying out for help to believe. This frustration led me to ask God for more power in my spiritual life because I felt weak. My closest Christian friends shared with me about the experience of receiving a special touch of love by the Holy Spirit through prayer. I also read several people’s testimonies of receiving this special touch. They testified about their stronger spiritual lives after receiving it. I was hungry for that kind of power and victory in my life, too.
While receiving prayer for this touch of love, I became aware that, up to that point, my only relationship with Jesus was as my Savior. Now, with this prayer, God was tapping my shoulder and asking if I would make Jesus my Lord as well. I knew that was what I wanted and so I surrendered all to Jesus as my Lord. Jesus had been waiting for me to surrender to His will and His timing and I am so glad that I did. Since that time, my relationship with Him has become so precious.
As I was continuing to grow spiritually, I was also asking, “Lord, what is going on with my husband? He seems to be angry all the time, with his employees, our young secretary, with me, with the dog. Is he turning his back on You, Lord? Please help!”
Then we were offered another adoption – baby twins, a boy and girl! Our son was five years old and I felt we should say, “No,” because of the strain in our marriage. He wanted to proceed, so we agreed to bring them home from the same hospital where our son was born. We agreed that if the Lord did not want us to adopt them, something would stop that process. That way, we could at least help them by paying the hospital bill and give them needed love and care. We also paid for the baby boy’s hernia operation. We made room for them in our home and in our hearts and our son was so proud to be big brother.
By this time, my husband’s spiritual life was exhibiting serious problems and there were even signs of possible depression. A couple at church stuck very close to me. Over the next two years, I really needed their support, especially because it was then that I became pregnant! My prayer was, “Now what, Lord? What is up with the timing of this pregnancy? Yes, I thank You for healing our infertility. I am soooo happy on one hand…but on the other hand…(To be continued in our next emailing post.)